There will be many family members, friends and neighbors who want to ‘drop in’ to meet your new baby, but it can be extremely tiring (and noisy) to have a constant stream of people visiting you in the hospital or birth unit, or at home, however well-meaning they are. This can have a ‘knock on’ effect on the whole family, making everyone irritable and your baby and other children fractious. Towards the end of pregnancy, it is useful to devise a strategy with your partner for dealing with telephone calls and visitors.
In UK maternity units, visiting is usually restricted, with only the partner and the mother’s own children permitted unrestricted visiting, and limited visiting hours for others; there is usually also a maximum of two visitors allowed at any one time. These restrictions are designed to enable new parents to concentrate on caring for their babies and to rest or sleep when possible. In many maternity units mothers will be in small wards, perhaps with four beds, so it is not just about your needs but also those of the other mothers near you. (Imagine how annoyed you would be if you wanted to sleep and the mother in the next bed had four or five visitors with her for several hours). If your own parents, in-laws and friends live locally, you may decide to ask them not to visit you in the hospital and to wait until you return home. Obviously it is more difficult if they have traveled from far away and their availability is limited, but perhaps these individuals should be given priority over others who live within easy reach.
Once you are at home it becomes even more difficult to fend off all those who want to meet your new family member. During the first week or two, it is worth considering allocating just two hours in each day when you are willing to receive telephone calls – tell your friends and family in advance, and perhaps also remind them via the birth notification cards/emails. Be firm about refusing to answer the telephone outside these hours (leave the answerphone on). You may also wish to arrange just one evening or afternoon in the first week when anyone can visit in person, and extend this to two sessions in the second week. Tell them in advance the times you are ‘open for visiting’ and the times you will want them to leave – and ask your partner to be assertive about this when it comes to asking them to go. It is not appropriate for all your visitors to have a cuddle with your baby, which, quite apart from the risk of infection, can upset his routine, making him difficult to settle and leaving you more stressed than you already feel.
Whilst your visitors are in your home, do not feel pressurized to be with them all the time – they have, after all, come to see your new baby – so use the time to catch up on having a rest, a bath or making some essential telephone calls. Do not be afraid to ‘use’ them – ask each of them to bring something such as an item from your next shopping list (nappies, milk, shampoo) or a dish for supper, or give them a small task to complete whilst they are with you, such as stacking the dishwasher or doing the washing up, reading a story to your other children or sticking stamps on all those birth notification cards which need sending. If it is warm weather, think about having a barbecue and ask everyone to bring a contribution to the meal so that you do not have to plan, shop, cook and clear up afterwards.
Plan to restrict visitors and telephone calls to a minimum in the first two weeks after your baby’s birth, to allow you and your partner time to get to know him, get organized and get some sleep!
Once you are organized, it is good to get out of the house each day and to meet people, including new mothers, in order to avoid the feeling of isolation that can occur when you are at home on your own. This can be particularly profound if you previously worked in a busy environment, meeting and talking to many different people each day. If you have attended preparation for birth classes during your pregnancy, try to stay in touch with one or two women to whom you relate well so that you can meet up when your babies have been born. There are usually mother and baby/toddler groups in your local area; your health visitor should be able to tell you about them, or contact your local library or nursery for more information. In the UK, Sure Start programs offer opportunities for you to meet with local mothers who are in similar circumstances to your own. There are also classes and groups designed to help you stimulate your baby from an early age, such as baby massage, swimming or music groups, depending on your family’s specific interests, where you will also be able to meet other parents.
A word of caution however: do not make the mistake of assuming that because you have your children in common, you will automatically have things in common with all the adults you meet. If you want to meet like-minded people, ask around your normal social circle during pregnancy to find out about activities that match your particular interests, ideals and philosophies. For example, there is no point in taking your child to baby singing classes if you do not like music or cannot sing, nor would it be easy to join a mother and baby group that regularly ends up in the local burger restaurant if you are a strict vegetarian family.
‘We didn’t develop a wide circle of friends with children until Harriet was 6 months old and went to nursery when I returned to work. However, we met one couple there who seemed very nice and they introduced us to more couples with babies, so now we regularly meet up in one of our houses. We all take a contribution to supper, the men sometimes do a barbecue and all the babies are settled upstairs – and because we’re all in the same boat, no one minds if one of them starts crying or needs feeding,’ (Fiona, 37 married to John, 41, mother of Harriet, now 10 months old)